Shameful
Shame has had an impact on my life. Shame is a message that says there's not just something wrong with what we did on any occasion, but with who we are. We are talking about the seat of instincts, gender, and our very sense of self. It happens on all levels - from parents to peers to siblings to bosses to friends. And it starts early on in our lives, by the people we look up to or respect on some level and actually trust with our feelings. It affects us deeply, and most of the time we don't know what is happening until it is over. It can leave you feeling worthless, empty, angry, ashamed, embarrassed, or just plain confused. As we grow into adulthood, it gets easier to be aware of, and call it out to the person doing it to you. Unfortunately, some people never get this far.
For example, little boys cut down other little boys sense of rank or status - to win against him, defeat him, and in so doing, to limit his social permission to further take physical action in the group. This is one facet of male shame. Little girls are just as bad, they exclude other little girls - banishing from the social circle, the circle of friends, and in so doing, from having a voice in the group. This is one facet of female shame.
It's been my experience that men often shun the action of seeking out help (such as in getting depression treated), perhaps in part because it is felt as a public acknowledgment of weakness - of lesser rank or status. Better to go it alone than suffer more damage to the self. As a result, and by default, they may be complicit in denying themselves a voice of defense against the wrong said and don to them by others. Or worse, understanding why they feel the way they do.
Then there are women. We have been intimidated away from speaking out, from being heard - having a voice - such as defending ourselves in gossip, due to fear of our reputation being tarnished in association with the issue at hand. As a result, women became complicit in denying themselves the action of defense against wrong done to them. But we are fighting back, finally. #MeToo
Shame comes in two forms: The first is Parental Shame: a kind of shame that speaks to possibilities for changing who we are toward the best we can be, or who our parents think we should be, should date, should do for a living. Parental shame can also come from authority figures in the workplace, or in society. Not to get political, but look at Trump. The second is Toxic Shame - the kind that is inaccurate, wasteful, globally destructive for the critic delivering it and criticized alike, and offers no new behavioral lessons to either. Again, look at Trump - 'My button is bigger than yours...' Seriously?!?!!? Our president is shaming DAILY. For most of us living the ordinary drama of life, parental shame and toxic shame almost never come exclusively, but as a mixture. I have experienced both. I have seen other parents do it to their kids, and it pains me. Luckily my parents aren't as bad as some of you that I am friends with. Somewhere along the lines of 40 I decided to call it out for what it was and stop it. Some people learn this earlier in life. Some never do, and continue to let their parents, bosses, friends, strangers shame them until they are gone from their lives. In todays social media easy-to-shame society, this trend seems to run rampant. They only way to heal ourselves is to stand up to the shamers. And for you shakers out there - stand down, turn the mirror around and work on yourselves.
If you feel like you suffer from being shamed, here is a good article.
