Out With IT!!!!

I am a firm believer of just coming out with news that you think is not going to be well received. JUST COME OUT WITH IT! The stress lies in concealing whatever 'it' is. If you don't put it out there, then it festers and you have no idea where you stand with that person or set of people.  

So one of the sets of letters that I wrote were to my family, my mother and my father. This all happened when I was roughly 26 years old, engaged the second time in my life to Charles. Charles was black. That is not what makes the story so compelling. It was the early 90s, and interracial dating was much more widely accepted than in the 60s and 70s. But as we all know, there are still challenges in society, especially in the deep south. What was compelling about the story was the struggle I was going through emotionally with my mom, dad and family about the fact that he was black. When I dated and was engaged to Darius, I believe my mom just thought that was a phase I was going through, and she was relieved it had passed. But when I called to tell her I had started dating a new guy, and that he was black this set off a chain of events I didn't see coming, and honestly I had forgotten about until my mom shared these letters with me that she had been saving all these years.  
As children, we want nothing more than our parents approval. This is why abused kids go back time and time again - because they are just hoping for a morsel of approval and pride. In my case, my parents were amazing and I always felt their approval. And remember, I am the tie-dyed sheep! So I threw curve balls all the time. And they still approved of me. But this particular phone call with my mother - when I told her that I needed to tell her something, at first she said "Oh dear God Debbie, you're Gay!". And this was playing out like the conversation where you tell your parents you are pregnant so the less horrible news of getting an 'F' on your report card will be better received. I was like - 'no MOM but I am dating a black guy <again>.' But this time, she was not her normal supportive self. I believe she meant it to dissuade me from what she certainly saw as a scarlet letter target on my back for southern racists to practice shooting at. She then basically told me that I was going to have to tell Dad because 'he wasn't going to be happy.' Enter, the letters. I then proceeded to write my dad a letter to tell him all the good things about Charles, and explain that it had taken me 3 months to even come to the decision to go out on the first date based on lessons learned from dating Darius. Surprisingly, my Dad wrote me back. He was totally supportive, as he had been during the Darius "phase", and he defended my mother. This was the first time I saw him fiercely defend her for her concerns as a parent and he convinced me she didn't mean it as I received it verbally. Then even more surprising, my mother wrote me a letter. Apologizing for how I received her reaction and that she did not mean it the way I took it. I did not even remember writing these incredibly emotional letters to them during this tumultuous time in my young adult life. But they hit me hard re-reading them. They reaffirmed my parents approval. My mom did tell me when Charles and I got engaged that I would need to tell the family. So, In a sort of save the date/engagement announcement I wrote the family (both North and South) about the great qualities that Charles possessed, and that I hoped they would one day meet him and accept him - and ended it with - Charles is black. This set off a chain reaction of chaos that I did not expect. Everyone took offense that I was calling them racist. My intent was just to say - this is not socially accepted, but I'm hoping you look past the color of his skin and get to know him as a person. This was a good example of when being direct with people does not necessarily work in your favor. But if I had it to do over again - I would not change it. The family members that had no issues with it, contacted me in support of it and even said they admired the courage I had to send the note. Those who didn't agree with it said nothing to my face. And those who were offended let me know. Comments are going to be said behind your back no matter what. I just figured I'd head it off at the pass. What impacted me from this one situation most was that my parents (and Christy) had my back regardless of how the situation panned out.