The Bonus Mom

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Part of being authentic is saying what you really think, even if it is not socially acceptable. I'm not gonna lie, the thing I looked forward to least when I got married was being a step mom. And luckily, I came into it later than most - the kids were 13, 17, 18 at the time. Not great timing in the life of any child going through a divorce. As a step parent, you get all the responsibility with none of the authority. At the time I thought 'I live enough of this situation at my daily job, I didn't need it in my personal life too'. Being a step parent is a thankless job. Argue if you will, but it is the truth. You are the outsider from the get go, and have to fight your way into the inner circle of the nuclear family, their history, their inside jokes. You get the inevitable "you're not my mother, you can't tell me what to do." Or worse, just plain being ignored. And the only one who really wants you there to begin with is your partner, who typically has divorce guilt with the kids so that doesn't reinforce support for comanding the respect you deserve as an adult who has williningly taken this on. I just had no excitement about this role I was assuming. And then there is the word "step". Who created that? It is from the 8th-century glossary of Latin-Old English words meaning "orphan". Seriously. Who is the orphan? Is it YOU - because you don't fit in, or is it the kids because you have interfered with their parents and their lives? The prefix 'step' sounds less-than, adversarial, degrading, humiliating, demeaning, shameful, mortifying, inglorious, wretched...the evile step MONSTER. Step is equally as demeaning for the kids, making them seem less than. Which they already feel like, and this label doesn't help one bit. I was not prepared for the stress of it. The thing was, you don't get to be my age (39 at the time) and find many potential mates that don't have kids. Being a step parent is literally the hardest thing I have ever done. No kidding. And I'm not great at it. I can admit it - once the kids passed the teen age years, things got MUCH better. But if you ask any parent, they will say the same thing about their own kids - the lack of respect, the alienation, the mumbling and the cold shoulder from teenagers happens regardless of if you are their biological or step parent. This behavior is a right of passage and happens at different levels depending on the kid and the upbringing. Divorce just amplifies it. It seemed like a no-win situation to me at the time. My friend Kaley Decker (herself a stepchild) gave me the advice to just be RESILIENT. I chanted this to myself at that time when things got hard. 'Be RESILIENT...be resilient...". I did not handle this well at first. I know it. That said, I am a stronger and more mature person having gone through the worst of it. And then one day, 3 Whoville's ago, I met Jennifer Martin Hall. She is the incredible woman who introduced me to the term 'BONUS' Mom, Bonus Daughter and Bonus Son. This changed my clouded outlook on this situation. Why? She said and I quote: "You didn't ask for each other, but BONUS! you got one another - so now what are you going to do with it now?!?!!? This literally shifted my entire negative paradigm about being the odd man out. The relationship was no longer adversarial. This term added synchronous VALUE to the relationship instead of de-vauling it as less-than. For the kids - I have become a third opinion that can weigh in on things. For me, it has heightened my relationship with them as human beings. I look at them as new relationships that have the potential of becoming what I choose to make of them (and vice versa). Thank you Jenn-I really appreciate YOU for helping me learn this important difference that has greatly improved my perspective.

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